That New Dad To Be Feeling

I was recently remembering strange emotions I started going through when Chris and I first found out she was pregnant with Jupiter. The realization that I was going to be responsible for a tiny human was very scary.

I think it started with me being in a daze for a couple of months not knowing exactly how I should feel. I was excited, but I was constantly taking note of the fact that I was not feeling quite as excited as I maybe should be.

I think I was more scared for the little guy. This human life was going to have me for a father. Me. That did not seem like a good idea at the time. It seemed like I might possibly be subjecting someone to the life long punishment of having me for a father. I did not know what kind of father I would turn out to be and I am sure I over-thought the prospect.

There was more than once that I was freaking out. Balling even. I was convinced for a moment or two during those nine months that I was in no way responsible enough for this task. I am always pretty hard on myself. I make mistakes. If I was not cut out for this though, I would not be the main beneficiary of the consequences of this action. That is what scared the crap out of me a couple of times. I was just afraid of the unknown.

When Chris was pregnant with Tsunami there was a little bit of freaking out too. I did okay with one. My fears were, as it turned out, completely unjustified. But could I handle two? I was not ready for this.

The freaking out was not near as bad as it was before Jupiter was born, but it was there. Again it was unjustified. I can handle two kids just fine.

Something that Chris sometimes says certainly rings true for me: "If a new parent to be does not get at least a little freaked out about being a new parent, that is scary." Too much confidence can be seen as scary. Especially when it is confidence about something that the person has no experience with.

I think it is pretty normal to be freaked out about being a parent. I think it is also arguably a good thing.

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