I get a little peeved when someone says to my son, "do you have a girlfriend?" or, "is that your girlfriend?" or some other such sexual orientation attribution. Why do people think it is okay to lay the groundwork for orientation long before children even have any interest in sexual mates? I think it seems a bit presumptuous.
Say my son does one day realize that he prefers the company of others of the same sex where intimate matters are concerned. With a lifetime of build up of this expectation that he is supposed to prefer the opposite gender, he will undoubtedly feel guilty for going against the expectations of all the people he has grown to admire.
I think the expectation that people need to pair up at all is ridiculous. Just because some of us choose to make a commitment to be with someone does not mean that one should have to be looked upon as a social outcast if that is not their own desire.
I was single and in no relationship for years before I started dating Chris. I was not looking for a relationship either. First, I think that looking for a relationship is a sure fire way to get yourself into a bad one. Second, I was completely happy living alone. It was a great time in my life.
Do not get me wrong. I do not now wish I were single or anything like that. I just choose to let my life evolve naturally by letting socially popular biases influence it little. I am married to someone who I think I can enjoy my life with because I did what my interests lead me to do, rather than attempt to artificially create a relationship by going to a place where someone who also might be desperately looking for a companion might hang out. I found an intimate partner because we happened to spend time together out of mutual interest.
When people use a child to fulfill their own expectations of who he or she is or should be, they are unconsciously trying to mold them. The thing is, you cannot mold sexual orientation as some folks who apparently 'chose' to be straight will attempt to have you believe. Sometimes, however, the expectation does cause people to mask their true feelings. That only makes those people who are masking their true self miserable and resentful about the lie they are living.
I understand that often people do this without thinking about it. At one time I did it without thinking about it too. Now, after having kids, hearing so many people project their sexuality on to my son, I started thinking about it. The problem is that we, as humans, often do not critically think these things through before acting. Sometimes we are just trying to make innocent conversation. Sometimes we are trying to see what they might say. I do not think that many, if any, are purposefully projecting their sexual orientation on a child. It may be incidental to how humans naturally like to think that others who they want to relate with are like themselves.
So anyhow, please do not ask my son about his potential girlfriend. He may not realize it now, but if the day comes that he does not fit in with a certain character projection of him, you may be costing him undue psychological trauma. Besides, how would you like it if someone started projecting an unfitting sexual orientation on you?
Say my son does one day realize that he prefers the company of others of the same sex where intimate matters are concerned. With a lifetime of build up of this expectation that he is supposed to prefer the opposite gender, he will undoubtedly feel guilty for going against the expectations of all the people he has grown to admire.
I think the expectation that people need to pair up at all is ridiculous. Just because some of us choose to make a commitment to be with someone does not mean that one should have to be looked upon as a social outcast if that is not their own desire.
I was single and in no relationship for years before I started dating Chris. I was not looking for a relationship either. First, I think that looking for a relationship is a sure fire way to get yourself into a bad one. Second, I was completely happy living alone. It was a great time in my life.
Do not get me wrong. I do not now wish I were single or anything like that. I just choose to let my life evolve naturally by letting socially popular biases influence it little. I am married to someone who I think I can enjoy my life with because I did what my interests lead me to do, rather than attempt to artificially create a relationship by going to a place where someone who also might be desperately looking for a companion might hang out. I found an intimate partner because we happened to spend time together out of mutual interest.
When people use a child to fulfill their own expectations of who he or she is or should be, they are unconsciously trying to mold them. The thing is, you cannot mold sexual orientation as some folks who apparently 'chose' to be straight will attempt to have you believe. Sometimes, however, the expectation does cause people to mask their true feelings. That only makes those people who are masking their true self miserable and resentful about the lie they are living.
I understand that often people do this without thinking about it. At one time I did it without thinking about it too. Now, after having kids, hearing so many people project their sexuality on to my son, I started thinking about it. The problem is that we, as humans, often do not critically think these things through before acting. Sometimes we are just trying to make innocent conversation. Sometimes we are trying to see what they might say. I do not think that many, if any, are purposefully projecting their sexual orientation on a child. It may be incidental to how humans naturally like to think that others who they want to relate with are like themselves.
So anyhow, please do not ask my son about his potential girlfriend. He may not realize it now, but if the day comes that he does not fit in with a certain character projection of him, you may be costing him undue psychological trauma. Besides, how would you like it if someone started projecting an unfitting sexual orientation on you?
Super interesting stuff! I never ask kids these questions because I would have rather died than answer them myself at that age ;)
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